I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
