That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
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