Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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