My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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