Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
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