The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Randomize
