mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??