Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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