Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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