I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
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