The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
