I just threw up on my dentist
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Randomize
