I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
