I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
