made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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