Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
