I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
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