Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
