I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
did you just send me my own nude
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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