you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him