Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.