and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Randomize
