You're earring is so big in my mouth
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
