Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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