If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
