she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
