There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
it's great music for shaving your balls
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
