You made me cry and you don't even care
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
