i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Boobs are out for the taking
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Randomize
