The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
