while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
