our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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