Screwed.edu
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
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