i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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