I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
