You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Randomize
