I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
