I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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