I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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