My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
