I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Randomize
