I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
