Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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