Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
