Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
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