I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
