Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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