i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
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