***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
