We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
