So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
