just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
