were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Randomize
