and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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