I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
