If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize
